What a Midnight Noise Complaint Taught Me About Conflict Management

Early in my career, I worked at the New Haven YMCA, and we were one of the largest providers of occupancy housing to those in need of a place to stay. It was a unique environment that taught me a lot, often in unexpected ways.

One night around midnight, I got a call from one of the residents. He said, “Mr. Mantella, can you please help me? It’s very late, and the guy next door is playing his radio too loud.” It wasn’t exactly an emergency, and I wasn’t thrilled to be disturbed at such a late hour, but once I settled down, I proceeded to handle the situation.

Over the phone, I instructed the resident to walk over, politely knock on the neighbor’s door, and ask them to turn the volume down since it was midnight. Thankfully, he did—and that was the end of it. But the moment stuck with me.

Since then, I’ve had countless situations where someone has come into my office and said, “Tino, can you help me? So-and-so is causing an issue.” In the past, I’d often step in right away—“Let me talk to them,” or “Let’s all meet together to fix it.” My instinct was to mediate.

But over the years, I’ve learned a better way.

Now, instead of immediately stepping in, I ask: “Have you spoken with them directly?” More often than not, the answer is no. What people want is to be heard, validated, and—if possible—rescued from discomfort. But growth happens in the discomfort.

I’ve come to believe that one of the best things leaders can do is empower others to handle conflict themselves. That doesn’t mean abandoning people or ignoring issues—it means coaching them, equipping them with the right approach, and then encouraging them to take the lead.

Here are a few takeaways I’ve learned about conflict management:

• Start with empathy. Everyone’s experience is valid, even if the issue seems small to you.
• Encourage direct communication. Avoid becoming the go-between whenever possible. Instead, help others feel confident in addressing the issue themselves.
• Coach, don’t fix. Offer guidance and support, but allow others the opportunity to grow by handling the conversation.
• Pick your moments to intervene. Sometimes, it is necessary to mediate—but it shouldn’t be the default.

That midnight noise complaint may have seemed small, but it taught me a big lesson: not every conflict needs to be solved for someone. Sometimes, the most powerful leadership move is to stand beside them, not in front of them, as they work through it themselves.